Columbia Photo Montage #5

#21. Here at Columbia, an institution established by King George II of England, we settle student disciplinary matters in the jolly good olde fashioned way— public stabbings.

#22. Sadly, these unlucky business school students were too absorbed in their rousing discussion of adjusted revenues to see the black, giant boulder rolling behind them.

#23. Although she has eight doctoral degrees in China, Professor Xiang Tsedong's students cannot understand a single word that comes out of her mouth, but they want to... by God, they want to.

#24. The Subway, only one of literally one-hundred job paths available to Columbia graduates.

#25. Columbia's Queer Alliance meetings have dazzled homos for decades. Their officers (pictured here) are renowned for their flamboyant, quasi-period costumes, self-aggrandizing proclamations of fabulousness, and other assorted douche-baggery.

Columbia Photo Montage #4

Welcome back, Columbia suckers, er, I mean students. Now that you've finalized your $50,000 tuition payment, now's probably the best and last free moment you'll have to learn about the school you've signed your soul over to. Enjoy.

#16.

Columbia University: Oh, you'll have a big vocabulary and lots of books, but you'll still have to depend on a high school dropout to fix your printer.

#17.

Naive freshman, Cynthia Warner attempts to buy back some of her unattended belongings from shrewd Harlem natives already selling them as their own.

#18.

The Columbia janitorial staff have neglected repairing this verdigris-stained clock, permanently stuck at 12:32am, since 1906, using it as an excuse for why they're constantly late for work.

#19.

Tired of his know-it-all student's "so what?" expression, Professor John Tierney challenges his defiant pupil to a bout of "sophisticuffs" after class adding, "I hope you like Fist and Knuckle Casserole."

#20.

Campus love catches like cold and spreads like herpes sometimes in the most unlikely of places. Here, a nubile junior grapples with his first stirrings of homosexual longing moments before his neck is snapped in the Dodge Fitness Center.

Babies Havin' Babies

I think this young woman's initiative should be an inspiration to us all. Don't let no one tell you you cain't have yo' dreamz... not even yo' mama.

(For some reason, I cannot embed the video, but it is worth checking out, I swura.

CU Photo Montage #3

#11. The Jewish exodus from Columbia begins after groundskeepers spray copious amounts of Jew-B-Gone in the dorms and install the spike-topped iron gates. "If we didn't fumigate and put up the fences, students of all races would infest this place all summer," said groundskeeper, Ralph Renshaw. The Columbia physical plant uses all sorts of racial repellents to keep summer student populations low, including Asian-Dissuasion, Black Out, and Mexi-Can't.

#12. Only the wealthiest students get to comfortably resume their winter studies in North Faced and goose-downed warmth, while many unfortunate others must freeze to death naked in the snow, left contemplating their unfinished degrees and winter's cold cruelty.

#13. Another meeting of the Board of Trustees devolves into dramatics as Lady Pumblechook lectures Lord Sassifras on the impropriety of "sass-mouth" and his ungentlemanly "ass-grabbery."

#14. Columbia Western Civilizations majors take so many notes that their hands frequently cripple into a hideous grip known as "Aristotle Claw."

#15. The Columbia Athletics Department reduces athletic overhead by combining sports such as Soccer Pattycake Relay and High Impact Ground Tennis. Why excel at just one sport, when you can master three simultaneously?

Random Funny Videos

Procrasturbating? I know I am. Here are three videos to stroke your funny boner.

1) George Washington Video


2) An Educational Film on Spiders


3) An OK GO Video (not so much funny as amusing)

CU Photo Montage #2

More Columbia University website pictures, exposeded!!!


#6. Naive sophomore Cynthia Glompers mistakes the scabies on her cheek for her usual 3am "boredom itch." In addition to Butler Library's Rare Books collection on the 7th floor, the facility is also known for its roving scabie hoards which feast on subcutaneous student flesh, whether a physics major's like Cynthia's or someone else's.


#7. The reincarnation of pop star Freddie Mercury commands you to cower in abject humiliation before he breaks out the Seventh Seal (and not the Ingrid Bergman or Demi Moore movies either, you ignorant bitches).


#8. And with the discovery of this final key document, Dr. Chimpler finally won a long-standing wager between he and the dastardly Asians of the Department of Colored History over whether or not Beethoven's mother was black. Wanna know the answer? Track down your own rare 18th century parchment!


#9. Emily Yang smiles as she points out her fourth degenrative brain tumor this week, bringing her one closer to winning that Low-Carb Southwestern Chicken wrap! Unfortunately, she cannot operate on herself and will have to entrust her brilliant mind to a peer with a lower GPA.


#10. They all clearly heard the farting noise, but no one actually had the guts to call Professor Donovan out on her filthy discussion group habit.

CU Photo Montage #1

Everytime you visit the Columbia University website, an image of Ivy League greatness meant to fill you with elitist pride or indignant envy appears on your web browser. However, the captions on said images reveal merely a measley thread of the rich tapestry that is Columbia life. Thus, I have undertaken the awesome responsibility of pulling out the more memorable images and illuminating things left unsaid by the website, either for want of exclusivity or space. Try not to be blown away by the secrets revealed henceforth (as entry into this inner sanctum normally requires a $50,000 yearly down-payment and semen sample, even from women).

Pic #1: Two Korean architecture grad students contemplate jumping to their deaths from one of Columbia's magnificent administration buildings (the likes of which they have neither the intelligence nor will to erect) — Columbia: Hard to get into, even harder to get out of...

Pic #2: After a delightful lunch overlooking the quad, Sally Belcher, a 2nd year freshman, demurely pukes her Cream of Broccoli soup onto Columbia's plush lawns, a result of midterm queasiness and curiosity about how the ecosystem will cope with her unexpected vomitus.

Pic #3:

Dawn breaks over scenic Harlem.

Pic #4: Two bedraggled ex-roommates contemplate their futures as impoverished au pairs, forced to eat a nightly repast of cornmeal and bitter disappointment, but with good vocabularies and vivid imaginations, nonetheless. The girl on the left will shake a baby to death well within her first year on the job. The girl on the right will eat hers.

Pic #5: Students cheers in bemused delight as the school administration building goes up in a spectacular pyrotechnic display, the result of end of term pranksters/murderers. "This is totally, like, hands-down the most wicked cool thang I've ever seen in my whole entire wasted life ever," said grad student Lester Cheswick. "And I saw Orhan Pamuk speak last month."

More captions next week...