CU Photo Montage #1

Everytime you visit the Columbia University website, an image of Ivy League greatness meant to fill you with elitist pride or indignant envy appears on your web browser. However, the captions on said images reveal merely a measley thread of the rich tapestry that is Columbia life. Thus, I have undertaken the awesome responsibility of pulling out the more memorable images and illuminating things left unsaid by the website, either for want of exclusivity or space. Try not to be blown away by the secrets revealed henceforth (as entry into this inner sanctum normally requires a $50,000 yearly down-payment and semen sample, even from women).

Pic #1: Two Korean architecture grad students contemplate jumping to their deaths from one of Columbia's magnificent administration buildings (the likes of which they have neither the intelligence nor will to erect) — Columbia: Hard to get into, even harder to get out of...

Pic #2: After a delightful lunch overlooking the quad, Sally Belcher, a 2nd year freshman, demurely pukes her Cream of Broccoli soup onto Columbia's plush lawns, a result of midterm queasiness and curiosity about how the ecosystem will cope with her unexpected vomitus.

Pic #3:

Dawn breaks over scenic Harlem.

Pic #4: Two bedraggled ex-roommates contemplate their futures as impoverished au pairs, forced to eat a nightly repast of cornmeal and bitter disappointment, but with good vocabularies and vivid imaginations, nonetheless. The girl on the left will shake a baby to death well within her first year on the job. The girl on the right will eat hers.

Pic #5: Students cheers in bemused delight as the school administration building goes up in a spectacular pyrotechnic display, the result of end of term pranksters/murderers. "This is totally, like, hands-down the most wicked cool thang I've ever seen in my whole entire wasted life ever," said grad student Lester Cheswick. "And I saw Orhan Pamuk speak last month."

More captions next week...